well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
