He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
Randomize
