the condom got lost in my hair
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
Randomize
