I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
