He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Randomize
