i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
