By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
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