Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Let's paint friendship bongs
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
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