I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
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