Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
There's even glitter on my cock...
I did not marry a roomba.
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