i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
