Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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