So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
I see more hoeing in ur future
Randomize
