I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Randomize
