I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
there is puke in my bra ... again
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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