I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
is it wrong that i woudl like to tie u down to the baby changing station using the straps provided?
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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