He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
