I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
Randomize
