Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
It's official drugs can't kill me
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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