video games are the ultimate cock blocker
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Randomize
