You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
I love black thongs
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize