My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
