You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
Randomize
