I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
Also we saw a clown getting arrested. Rochester is weird.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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