We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
