Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Randomize
