Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
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