I need a slap back to reality. Or at least a slap back to homosexuality
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
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