sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize