11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
