Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Randomize
