Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
Randomize
