Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
Randomize
