Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Randomize