Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Randomize
