Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Randomize
