I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
