you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
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