Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
