I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
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