and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
