don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Randomize
