Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
