You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Randomize
