when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Randomize
