I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize