I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
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