im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Dude ur right that IS what a vagina looks like!
Do everybody a favor and GET LAID MORE.
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
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