apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Randomize
