i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
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