3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Randomize
