Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize