My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
