Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Let's paint friendship bongs
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
Randomize
