One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
