Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
Randomize
