I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
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