I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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